Heartbroken

We had our 8 week 5 day ultrasound this morning. Baby measured 8 weeks 3 days with no heart beat. We knew it was possible. We know the 1st trimester statistics. We knew the unexplained bleeding was not a good sign. And I had a feeling of impending doom all along. Sometimes we just know. Our bodies tell us somehow.

I opted for the D&C, which is scheduled for Friday morning. We will take time to let my body and our hearts heal, then we will try again. There’s nothing wrong with me. Sometimes even screened embryos arrest. They dint know why. We are not having any testing done on him/her. These things just happen and they actually happen often. We both had all the recurrent pregnancy loss testing done prior to starting this journey 2 years ago. At least o know I’m not broken.

Just heartbroken.

Heart Rate 119 bpm.

All went well today. Sonography tech told us everything looks great. Nurse said I can slowly increase my activity, but to keep it light. Pelvic rest lasts one full week after a bleed, so until Sunday as long as I don’t have another episode.

I ordered a rolling briefcase because my textbooks weigh close to 40 lbs. I have 60 days until graduation.

Just 2 weeks until the last milestone ultrasound and 3 weeks until I graduate to regular OB care.

I’m annoyed that the medical community steals joy. Of course anything can happen. Why should that stop us from celebrating and being happy and thankful for today? Today the baby was healthy. Today the baby was on target. Today I am pregnant. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. A freak accident. Random heart attack. Tomorrow is never guaranteed, so why allow them to damper or steal my joy for what I have RIGHT NOW?

I’m working on that.

Staying positive during the terrifying first trimester.

I have had a lot of time to think. Way too much time. I have been in bed almost a whole week. I have moderate to severe anxiety disorder. No matter how many times my husband tells me the baby is fine, I am constantly in fear of the worst. I realize I have done everything possible since 6 months before the transfer to make this baby’s environment rich and free of toxins, acupuncture, yoga, chemical free beauty products, toxin and hormone free organic food. The egg donor is a proven donor, we have seen the heartbeat. There is really no reason other than unexplained intermittent bleeding- which I have read is really common in IVF pregnancies- to think anything will go wrong.

I have had 3 babies already. There is nothing hormonally or structurally wrong with me.

I plan to stop reading and researching miscarriage and bleeding and start reading about staying positive in the first trimester.

I just have to make it to Wednesday. I’m hoping my RE lets me off bedrest and return to normal life. I hope the baby has grown and his/her heart is still beating away nice and strong. I hope she says the bleeding isn’t a cause for worry.

My husband and kids are being so wonderfully supportive. I feel truly blessed

Houston, we have a heartbeat.

I had another small bleeding episode this morning, so they had us come in. Baby has grown a ton since Tuesday and we clearly saw his/her heartbeat flickering away.

No sign of bleeding in my uterus or cervix, which is still nice and long. Guessing it’s coming from around my cervix/vagina.

Back to bed for me and another ultrasound Wednesday

Bleeding scare and bedrest

Had a massive bleed yesterday. Ultrasound shows baby just fine and long cervix with no indication of where the bleeding is coming from. It stopped a few hours later and I haven’t had anything but occasional brown spotting since. Bedrest until next Wednesday unless I start bleeding profusely again.

Holding out hope that Nugget is still growing and snug inside my uterus. It’s going to be a very long week.